SELF-TRUST: I AM ENOUGH
Now that I am towards the end of my second year of training, I’ve found that my greatest hurdles are mostly internal. As an actor training under this program, I have come up with so many things that trigger different aspects of my whole self. The things that I have discovered have left me feeling wondrous and expansive; at other times I have felt frustrated, disillusioned, even impatient.
Our beloved Jim Houghton (Richard Rodgers Director of the Drama Division, 2006-2016) used to say to us repeatedly that, “You are enough.” I have that quote in post-its by my dressing table. If I am going to be completely honest, that is still hard for me to believe. Sometimes, I find it a leap of faith to loosen my grasp of the “work,” whether it is reading a play, learning lines, drilling speech exercises, practicing my song, etcetera – in fear that something will fall apart if I let off work for five minutes (I’m exaggerating a little, but you get the idea). I’m afraid that anyone would find a trace of a lack of virtuosity, some sort of imperfection caused by not working hard enough, which will render all time spent training useless. This may sound overly-dramatic, but some of my biggest fears have something in connection to this.
I am trying to shift my energies towards this “I am enough,” line of thinking. With this comes the courage to accept imperfection, to let go of technique or “correctness” for its own sake and make more room for the Self. I am beginning to realize more and more that I will never please everybody, so I might as well let go of the need to feel validated by everyone around me. Instead, I want to find my own delight and pleasure in my work and in my life. Hopefully, this will draw me closer towards people who love, empower and appreciate me for who I am; as well as towards work that energize me and fills me with meaning and purpose.
REGINA DE VERA